The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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