im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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