I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Randomize
