i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Pants are for mortals
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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