I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
