weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
