I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
