accomplished twins. life is a go
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize