I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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