I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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