R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
