I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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