I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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