she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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