Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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