You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
