I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
