we made out on top of his cat.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
