She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
