So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
