12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
