two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
