No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
