my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
