I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
