Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
