I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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