This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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