I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
