Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
There's always time for handjobs
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
