woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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