I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
