Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
