she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
