I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
