booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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