I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
