Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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