You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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