I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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