in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
should my penis look like a turkey
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
