I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
