my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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