Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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