So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
