He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
