literally had 100 drinks last night.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
