If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
