Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
