I puked a lego.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
COCAINE IS GR8
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
